Singles for my new album, "my dad died"

I sink below 
To someone else’s body 
I scour the dirt 
To absorb their story 

Of floods and love 

It’s just me and my eyes 
Finding each other
When the glass goes black 
And the credits roll over 

The floods and love 
The bullets and blood 

I am not here 
Being a person
I disappear 
into a mountain 

I shuffle back 
To my own body 
The whirlwinds blow 
And I feel nothing 

But floods and love 
The bullets and the blood
The getting at all 
But wanting none 

I am not here 
Being a person 
I disappear into a mountain
But not to fear 
Summer’s coming
            

The first time I drove 
Was to pick up my brother 
From the library
Because you had been drinking
And Tyler was waiting 

I remember you flirting 
With all of the servers 
And the female clerks 
Yeah you could make them giggle 
While you sent back your dinner

And I’d be so embarrassed 
That you couldn’t hold it together
Read the room
Read the room

You drove us to the woods
To take turns shooting at our garbage 
Yeah, we were so careful 
That one of us is deaf in one ear 

You told us lots of truth 
But you loved a good story
Like how we might be royalty 
Just wait till your 18th birthday 

And I’d be so embarrassed 
If my words were causing damage 
Read the room
Read the room
Read the room
Read the room

The last time that we spoke
Didn’t know you had days left 
Almost automatic 
I love you’s almost habit
Was planning when I’d see you next 
At the airport or a hospital 
But we didn’t get there 
And I didn’t get to share 

My time
With you 
Watching grey days 
Grow blue 
Watching your soul grow back 
Petting my dog on your lap 
Hearing your laugh 
Being my dad
            

Listen to the sound of the rain 
While we’re safe and dry inside 
We had a close call today
On those green river rapids 
Almost tore off our heads 
Took your cell phone and sandwich 

And my heart 
Couldn’t be more sure 
That adventure 
Keeps us alive 

Look how the strength of the wind shaped these Oregon sand dunes 
It slipped into night on our way 
And we tumbled under full moon candy and pizza fueled 
Leaving always too soon 

And my heart 
Couldn’t be more sure 
That adventure 
Keeps us alive 

And I’ll think of you that way 
Singing and playing 
Hiking and driving
Telling a story 
Always have time for me 

And my heart 
Couldn’t be more sure 
That adventure 
Keeps us alive
            

  Fistfulls of the fish bowls
  and the slicing spines
  and the grinding bones
  you can look at it
  and see nothing 
  
  accident on the interstate 
  there’s a body dent
  in my license plate 
  there’s a churning sticky darkness to living 
  
  unrelenting 
  unrelenting 
  
  chunked up like some shark meat
  it’s a missing toe in my memory
  should be right here where I left it 
  
  Guttural when the kidneys go 
  whale eyed when the bloodwork shows
  all we all had known all along 
  
  unrelenting
  It’s unrelenting 
  unrelenting 
  unrelenting 
  
  history like a bath of blood
  snuff films in my grandma‘s phone
  I got ivory for every occasion 
  
  suck it up in my growing gut
  I’m an icon for the gushy stuff 
  put your teeth to the concrete 
  
  laugh on like an animal 
  in the TV light with your ear torn 
  it’s the alcohol coursing through you 
  it’s the fitted sheet your scabs grew into 
  it’s the numbness that devoured you
  
  It’s unrelenting
  unrelenting 
  It’s unrelenting 
  unrelenting
            

  I loved you 
  I mean, I still love you 
  even when you got confused
  even when you got mean 
  
  I thought I’d cut through 
  bring you back with reason 
  and practicality 
  I thought you’d listen to me 
  
  when I said “dad,
  I think you need some help 
  you might be overwhelmed 
  but we’re here to help
  you heal”
  
  now I miss you 
  and the shape you left 
  in the atmosphere 
  what a nest
  your beating heart could be 
  
  now I look for you 
  in the corners of my room 
  wait for hairs to stand on end 
  waiting for a haunting
  
  to hear you say “Jessie,
  I think you need some help
  you might be overwhelmed 
  but I’m here to help 
  you heal”