lyrics!

I loved you 
I mean, I still love you 
Even when you got confused
Even when you got mean 

I thought I’d cut through 
Bring you back with reason 
And practicality 
I thought you’d listen to me 

When I said “dad,
I think you need some help 
You might be overwhelmed 
But we’re here to help
You heal”

Now I miss you 
And the shape you left 
In the atmosphere 
What a nest
Your beating heart could be 

Now I look for you 
In the corners of my room 
Wait for hairs to stand on end 
Waiting for a haunting

To hear you say “Jessie,
I think you need some help
You might be overwhelmed 
But I’m here to help 
You heal”

Fistfuls of the fish bowls
and the slicing spines
and the grinding bones
you can look at it
and see nothing 

accident on the interstate 
there’s a body dent
in my license plate 
there’s a churning sticky darkness to living 

unrelenting 
unrelenting 

chunked up like some shark meat
it’s a missing toe in my memory
should be right here where I left it 

Guttural when the kidneys go 
whale eyed when the bloodwork shows
all we all had known all along 

unrelenting
It’s unrelenting 
unrelenting 
unrelenting 

history like a bath of blood
snuff films in my grandma‘s phone
I got ivory for every occasion 

suck it up in my growing gut
I’m an icon for the gushy stuff 
put your teeth to the concrete 

laugh on like an animal 
in the TV light with your ear torn 
it’s the alcohol coursing through you 
it’s the fitted sheet your scabs grew into 
it’s the numbness that devoured you

It’s unrelenting
unrelenting 
It’s unrelenting 
unrelenting

Why did you wait so long 
To pull your shoot 
Back when your back was strong 
And you could rebuild you 

Like our treehouse 
Up and off 
The cold hard ground

Your choices made a fist 
Led me by the scruff
I foraged for sustenance 
In the ashes of your trust 

Can I burrow like the birds
In the cold hard ground 

Sun washed you sit with me 
Kind swimming through your face 
Burnt hands and hollow cheeks
Lost in the master fade 

Can you hear me 
Where you lie 
In the cold hard ground 

I just want to say please wait to go

The first time I drove 
Was to pick up my brother 
From the library
Because you had been drinking
And Tyler was waiting 

I remember you flirting 
With all of the servers 
And the female clerks 
Yeah you could make them giggle 
While you sent back your dinner

And I’d be so embarrassed 
That you couldn’t hold it together
Read the room
Read the room

You drove us to the woods
To take turns shooting at our garbage 
Yeah, we were so careful 
That one of us is deaf in one ear 

You told us lots of truth 
But you loved a good story
Like how we might be royalty 
Just wait till your 18th birthday 

And I’d be so embarrassed 
If my words were causing damage 
Read the room
Read the room
Read the room
Read the room

The last time that we spoke
Didn’t know you had days left 
Almost automatic 
I love you’s almost habit
Was planning when I’d see you next 
At the airport or a hospital 
But we didn’t get there 
And I didn’t get to share 

My time
With you 
Watching grey days 
Grow blue 
Watching your soul grow back 
Petting my dog on your lap 
Hearing your laugh 
Being my dad

Snow in my sock
Pink in my cheek 
Higher the laugh 
Higher the peak 
Harder the fall back down 

Thinking of you in physical form 
Warmer the skin 
Warmer the sun 
Is it cold where you are? 

Like Mars
Do you feel far away?
Like a star 
Can you feel anything? 

Sweat on my brow
The hoot of an owl 
Summery sun simmering now 
Orange and red like love 

Sandpaper tongue
Weird to be home 
I hear your fist bang on the wall 
Are you still mad? 

Like Mars 
Do you feel far away?
Like a star 
Can you feel anything? 

Now you 
Don’t have to be anything you don’t wanna be
Don’t have to need anything you don’t want to need 
Don’t have to feel anything at all

Like Mars 
Like a star 
As you are

I sink below 
To someone else’s body 
I scour the dirt 
To absorb their story 

Of floods and love 

It’s just me and my eyes 
Finding each other
When the glass goes black 
And the credits roll over 

The floods and love 
The bullets and blood 

I am not here 
Being a person
I disappear 
into a mountain 

I shuffle back 
To my own body 
The whirlwinds blow 
And I feel nothing 

But floods and love 
The bullets and the blood
The getting at all 
But wanting none 

I am not here 
Being a person 
I disappear into a mountain
But not to fear 
Summer’s coming

Didn’t dream aloud till you showed me how 
To see a rock for a crystal 
And when the wind was howling out 
Knew where you kept your pistol 

We got strong chins
To hold big grins
And see the good 
What I would do 
To be like you

Didn’t joke around till you showed me how 
To make them wait for the punchline
And when a loss was mountainous 
You taught us how to show up 

We got strong chins
We do hard things 
Sometimes we bruise 
What I would do 
To be like you 

Didn’t play a note till you showed me how 
To make mom smile in the other room 
And when you’d jog you show us around
Feeling the tough getting easier 

We got strong chins
And we dream big
Until they’re true 
I’m just like you 
I wish you knew

I’m 
Doing 
Fine 
Why 
Do you 
Keep prying 

It’s my life 
And I do what I like

My 
Daughter 
You’ve 
Gotten 
So 
Judgmental

It’s my life 
And I do what I like

Till the shadows come 
And they come for blood 
Chew little bits of you off
Till you’re gone

All I’m left with are my ruminations

When you head out there
Tell him I miss him 
And hold his hand 

He will need people to work his limbs for him 
He will want the end

But oh he just needed reminding 
Of your love
Needed it close enough to know 
It’s still there 

When you said good night 
He asked to be upright
But he fell in the night

He wanted changes 
To reverse the stages 
But the damage was 

All we could do was 
Send our love
But I didn’t 
I was too messed up 
So now I believe I’ll 
Send my love 
Even if it turns to vapor 
You get my love 
Even if it doesn’t matter 
Here’s my love

Listen to the sound of the rain 
While we’re safe and dry inside 
We had a close call today
On those green river rapids 
Almost tore off our heads 
Took your cell phone and sandwich 

And my heart 
Couldn’t be more sure 
That adventure 
Keeps us alive 


Look how the strength of the wind 
Shaped these Oregon sand dunes 
It slipped into night on our way 
And we tumbled under full moon 
While we’re candy and pizza fueled 
Leaving always too soon 

And my heart 
Couldn’t be more sure 
That adventure 
Keeps us alive 

And I’ll think of you that way 
Singing and playing 
Hiking and driving
Telling a story 
Always with time for me 

And my heart 
Couldn’t be more sure 
That adventure 
Keeps us alive